not new, just improved

Why I lowkey took a month off my blog and, now that I’m back, what I plan on being different.

In case anyone is wondering, I didn’t plan a hiatus. I wish I could say I’d realized I was unhealthily balanced, and knew I needed a change, but that wasn’t really the case. A week from today, it’ll have been a month since I last posted on Collared Cashmere. A month ago, a week from today, I hit a really low point.

If you read my last post, you can sense a little bit of that in the words I wrote then.

I’d switched cities, switched apartments, and it felt like I’d switched lives. It’s one thing to go to school as a business/sort-of-a-computers major; it’s quite another to work 10 hours a day at a job that has you out of your depth. To go from having some of your closest friends mere minutes from you, at any hour of the day, to knowing the people that know your heart best are forever away. To have this image of how everything will work out post-grad, and to live each day with the glaring reality that your life is a paint by number, next to a Degas.

Every day I worked as hard as I could, and every night I crawled into bed and cried. All my coworkers were so kind and so helpful and so supportive, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that they all were burdened by me, and that I was complicating their lives and leeching productivity out of our team. I missed my friends –in Waco, in Boston, even the ones in the same city but miles away–and felt totally alone and alienated. This blog fell by the wayside, along with things like eating 3 meals a day and sleeping through the night.

So what changed between now and then?

Externally, nothing. Work is still really difficult, and I still feel like I’m drinking out of a firehose every time someone explains something to me. My best friends haven’t moved in down the street from me, and making sure I’m eating properly still is something I have to be intentional about. But something clicked, and I shifted into gear, and I’m okay.

I had to decide that I would thrive here. I wouldn’t let college be the best four years of my life; I needed to live each day in such a way that I’d be proud to tell my grandkids about it. I went to coffee shops to study things I didn’t understand at work. I forced myself out of the echoing walls of an unfurnished apartment. I was ridiculously friendly and affirming to everyone I encountered in the office, and tried to mold myself into the kind of employee I’d like to train. I stopped wallowing and chose to make my life mirror the image I was presenting.

There still isn’t a dining room table at my apartment, and I text pictures of outfits I’m not planning on wearing to old friends as an excuse to talk to them. I got a library card so I could postpone going home to my quiet apartment, and I may have eaten an entire bag of Lindt truffles when work was not the sunniest. My life is still not simple and perfect. But I’m not either.

So here’s my promise to y’all: I won’t blog just because I feel like it, or because it’s an escape from whatever I’m going through and don’t want to deal with it. I will blog because I love this creative part of my life, that tbh has taken a back burner to the technical stuff I’ve been doing/learning at work, and because I want to share dichotomy and genuine life with y’all. I won’t instagram because I want to convince others I’m happy and okay. I will be happy and okay.

Tomorrow marks 9 months of Collared Cashmere. They weren’t the easiest 9 months, nor the most photogenic. But 9 months they were, and there are only 3 more left in 2016. I plan to make the most of those 93 days. I spent the last few hours planning outfits and locations and looking up even more coffee shops for me to review and post about, and I’m excited to see where these 3 months will take this corner of the internet. I’m extremely humbled by and thankful for each of you who chooses to follow along.

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